Rock Bottom, but with Coping Skills

I have had multiple people tell me that I should start journaling. I laugh and say that the idea sounds uncomfortable - I don't dare admit that I used to pour my heart out on Xanga, LiveJournal, and Tumblr for literal years. I always do better when I write for an audience, although I hope this audience stays imaginary. I am paranoid that Blogger is connected to my email and my friends and acquaintances will be able to find this.

I have very little recollection of ever "blogging" or expressing myself in words when I was not going through a really tough time. I had my study abroad blog, but all of the accounts with my deepest thoughts were always shame worthy and too dark. I hate to admit that's where I am again. The people who have recommended journaling can see that I'm not okay, and they barely even know me. I have cried at work or because of work every day for the past two weeks, and frequently in the weeks before. Everything is so awful right now. I was so overcome with feelings of failure last night that I literally cried myself to sleep. I feel like I can't do anything right. I am a disappointment to my colleagues, my manager, my temporary supervisor, and to all the people who depend on me. In my personal life I haven't done any dishes or cleaned the disgusting toilet or washed our sheets that are stained with body oil and stink. Our house is a mess and I have all the time in the afternoon to clean, but I don't. After work I am numb. I just watch TV and cry and lay there and do nothing. I feel like a waste of space. I am a waste of a human. 

With my health concerns I have crippling anxiety all the time that I am going to die. All I need to do is eat a super clean diet and exercise and it will help significantly. I've done it before, gotten my labs to where they need to be by losing weight, but this time it feels so hard. I am wasting my life being fat and depressed and I'm not helping Fiance set up our lives. I am so jealous of all of my friends who make tons of money and own property, while I fight for respect at work and am ridiculed for spending $40,000 on a wedding.

Having coping skills is exhausting. I just have to try so hard now. I know that cutting myself is bad and have all these dumb reasons not to do it. I know that purging will continue to fuck up my teeth and groceries are expensive, I'm also too depressed to clean the toilet. I don't have enough willpower to restrict, although that's really the goal. Willpower. Willpower to do anything but cry. Why does nothing feel as good as these destructive habits? Why don't exercise endorphins give the same relief as making myself bleed? Why do my constant tears not seem to be enough to feel better? How do I make the overwhelming feelings of depression stop without making it worse? How do I make myself believe Fiance loves me when I loathe myself.

My annual review at work was today. I got feedback that I am too hard on myself. I have received this feedback from every professional review I have ever received. I sincerely asked for coaching on how to change this because apparently therapy isn't helping and I was told to write a gratitude journal. I will be posting every day, journaling my thoughts and ending with one thing that I like about myself. 

One thing: I have closed my move goal on my Apple Watch every day of 2022 so far.